So where did the year go anyway?

I have no idea.

At this point I don't recall the spring at all.  The summer went up in a whole lot of smoke and staying indoors.  An in the fall we lost the car (again) so I've been staying home more than usual.

Christmas, however, has been entirely awesome.

We kept it very low key and focused on the traditions that really mattered.  Okay, I couldn't go out and Do All The Things, but that turned out okay, I didn't have All The Anxiety to go with it.  No car sickness, no stress, no nothing.  We watched all sorts of holiday movies (yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie), baked a ton of cookies (health be dammed) and had actually gifts under the tree (I got a Kindle!!!).

Giving Kitty her gifts was the best part (it was awesome!!). I've come to accept that one of my Love Languages is giving and receiving gifts, so being able to put stuff under the tree meant a lot.  So did finally finding copies of my Grandmother's old cookie recipes online.  Suck it Nanny, I bake the good stuff now. 

So yea, it's been a cozy, stress free, awesome holiday at last.  I've loved every minute of it.  And as far as I'm concerned the "season" is still going.  It's a thing until the Saturday closest to the 15th.  There will be more movies, more egg nog and more cookies.  Life is good.

And I think that pretty much sums up how I've been feeling the past few months.  Life is good.  I'm feeling okay. Kitty finished school, finally. We found a dentist we can work with.  The pantry is full.  Yeah, it's okay,

But with all of this okay-ness, remarkably little got done this year in the way of making stuff.  I finished a few pillows, that's all.  And I never even took pictures.  Go me.

That is going to change this year.

I mean it this time.

More to come.

Agency

Sometimes agency is a problem.

Definition of agency

plural agencies

1 a : the office or function of an agent (see agent 4)

b : the relationship between a principal and that person's agent

2 : the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power : operation

3 : a person or thing through which power is exerted or an end is achieved : instrumentality

• communicated through the agency of the ambassador

4 : an establishment engaged in doing business for another

• an advertising agency

5 : an administrative division (as of a government)

• the agency for consumer protection

In my case I refer specifically to the agency of getting out of the house and doing stuff.  This issue can be broken down into three parts.

1)  I don't drive.

Now I can drive.  As a Californio I have driven quite a bit in my life.  I started driving in college, when a former cop friend taught me how.  He was calm and patient and talk me some tricks to get around my monocular vision and enormous blind spot.  Back then I would easily kick off 400 miles in a week-end, no problem.  Put some Old White Guy* music in,  pop open a Jolt cola and off I go.

But when I moved back home the Reign of Driving Terror began.  I went through four cars in twelve years, all but the last bought from my family, all of which at best received no care or maintenance over their lifetimes.  They died of something-or-other every other month, nickle and dime-ing me while I was trying to start my career, until the first three were sabotaged.  I think they were actively trying to kill me a few times there.  So figure an "accident" every two months, the car dying in the middle of an intersection or getting bullied in a repair shop** and three major accidents.

And for some reason the cops in my hometown loved to pull me over. They rarely gave me a ticket but I was pulled over for warnings at least once a month, and a few times a week one followed me closely from one end of town to the other.

I also had my tags stolen on a regular basis.  Another good reason to get pulled over.  Just so I could show them my police report.  Over and over and over again.

Now I have driving anxiety so bad I can't even drive a mile to the grocery store.  Toward the end of my driving career I tended to dissociate while driving, I would have to pull over until I re-connected with reality long enough to drive safely.  I would literally black out behind the wheel.  I combated that by eating continuously while driving, the better to stay grounded.  Not healthy for the waistline.

So now I don't drive.

2)  Our car is dead

Even if I did drive our old Buick decided to kick it, more or less.  Something electrical again, it's randomly shutting down while moving.  Not good.  And given that it's 23 years old repairing it is going to be an expensive proposition.  So it's parked except for emergencies.

But we have a back-up plan.  I qualify for paratransport.  Paratransport is what they offer when you can't drive or get to the regular bus stop, which in my case is a mile away down busy roads with no sidewalks.  And with my knees*** walking is not going to happen.  If that's the case the bring the short bus to you.

3)  I can't use paratransport.

I get really bad motion sickness.  Maybe it's the monocular vision, maybe it's all the ear infections, maybe it's just me, but riding in a car does me in anymore.  On longer trips I try to sleep, but across the valley is bad.  Sometimes even across town gets to me.  To try to deal I use all the tricks, sit in front, eyes out the window, music to distract, aromatherapy, sip ginger ail, nibble crackers, the coldest air in my face that I can.  And I make it work, mostly.  I am usually very glad when the car stops but I make it work.

None of those tricks work on the short bus.

Sit in front?  No, that's where the wheelchairs go.  Those of us who can walk get the back.  Cold air?  Nope, little old ladies wear boiled wool jackets on 90 degree days.  AC is a dream.  And if you take your fan you have to carry it.  Aromatherapy?  Not allowed.  Eating?  Not allowed.  Drinking?  Not allowed.  Seeing out the windshield?  You sit above the driver, you can see the car in front, maybe.  Music?  The driver wants to talk.  Headphones are rude.

And it's not door-to-door.  It's some random, careening around the valley.  A ten minute drive can take an hour and a half, while they pick other people up and drop them off.  They tell you to leave two hours for a one way trip.

On the last trip I was so sick when I got home that I was shaking and green.  I spent an hour and a half in that hell to spend five minutes getting a new card.  And I have to wait 30 in their office to get a ride home.  I was so sick on the way back that even the driver noticed.  I staggered in to lay on my bed for  two solid hours before I could even manage water.

I've taken to calling it the Blender of Nausea, rattling around in the back of the short bus for hours of misery at a time.

Sooooo I am using my agency.

I am staying home until we either buy a new car or move somewhere where I can travel on my bike.  I am working on getting back up and down the Hill of Doom so I can at least go over for coffee, and I will pay for an Uber to get to a Drs appointment, but otherwise I'm staying home.

My power, my decision.  Nothing out there is worth being that sick

------

*  My students used to say I liked to listen to Old White Guys.  Bruce Hornsby,  James Taylor, Robbie Robertson, Kenny Loggins.  Also A Prairie Home Companion.  It made a great soundtrack for driving across California's Central Valley.

** After the time I went in for a new tire to one of my stepfather's gypsy friends and got screamed at, literally, because I had to have four, only to call the cops to get my car back and have my mother show up to yell at me for getting into this mess and insisting that I pay the exorbitant price, I stopped going to mechanics in my home town.  It turned out the tires he sold me for new were shitty retreads, but the next time I went to a mechanic in the barrio where I was teaching.  Brand new tires, half the price, and nothing but pleasant customer service the whole time.  I took my last car to exclusively barrio mechanics and it went five years without a problem until I sold it.

***  I have a small area of osteoarthritis in my left knee, and have for a while, but ever since I tried to change my HRT I've had swelling and pain in both knees.  It's a major mobility issue but I don't see my regular doctor until October so I'm stuck until then.

It's the beginning of the school year and...

...I have been thinking about school.

Not actual school.  Kinda.  Sorta.  Maybe.  If we're talking actual school, being a forty-something type with at least a functional bachelor's degree actual school would be either going back for bachelor #2 or a Master's in something or other.  And right now a)  we can only afford one person in school, b)  Kitty is one semester away from her first bachelor's and c)  a Master's is a good way for her to advance at work.  So for the next three years or so our education budget is going to her.

But I wasn't talking actual school anyway.  School looms right up there with Christmas and Wedding in the land of Shit I Regret And Blame My Family For, it tends to come around every so often and bug me for days on end.  I missed something there.  Something wasn't right.  Something did not work.  I skated through high school and college on a combination of excellent test taking skills, work experience and bullshit.  No, really, one time I accidentally wrote a Shakespearean essay about the romance novel I'd been reading the night before and I not only got an A the professor read it out loud as an example of an excellent essay form.  Because Sr. Rosine taught us the three paragraph essay form in the third grade and it makes everything look better, I don't know.

So something was not working then and now, with the distance of memory and lots and lots of therapy I know what it was.  I lacked study skills and I lacked time management skills.

First off, study skills.  As they say on this informative web site:

Students believe that studying and doing homework are the same thing. However, they should be approached as two very distinct, separate tasks. Homework commonly consists of assignments that instructors assign to be completed at home by students. The general purpose of homework assignments is to reinforce the knowledge that you learn in the classroom. These assignments allow for extra practice, so that you can refine your skills and knowledge in a particular area.

Studying, on the other hand, refers to the time students spend on their own to go over material they learned in class. Many students think of studying as what they do to prepare for an exam; however, it is best to set aside regular time to study to be sure you understand all the concepts you are learning in class so you do not fall behind. Studying includes making flashcards, taking detailed notes, making outlines, and reading.

Nobody ever told me any of that.  No, really, I learned that today.

Part of the problem is that I went to parochial school from K to 8, meaning right through junior high.   I know now that part of what we were supposed to do in junior high was transition from homework to studying but because my school was continuous and taught by untrained instructors chosen for their religious background they didn't know that and just had us doing homework.  And because no one in my family had ever been to college or even through a college prep program no one there knew either.  (Mom was on the trade school track in high school.  Cosmetology.  She learned to be a banker through on-the-job training.). And everyone in my high school figured someone else must have taught me somewhere along the line.

So everyone said to "study" and I had no clue.  I read the textbooks, attempted to take notes in class but never knew what to do with them, and faked it as best I could.  I skated.

As for time management, even if I had known how to study I wouldn't have had time.  I watched a YouTube video today of this really sweet girl in high school talking about her after school routine.

To sum up:

3:30-5:30 - Cross-country practice
5:30-6:30 - Snack, shower, rest, organize class notes
6:30-7:00 - Dinner
7:00-9:00 - Study
9:00-10:00 - Free time to pursue own interests
10:00 - Bed

I'm honestly kind of shocked.  My routine went something like this:

3:30-5:30 - Theater rehearsal
5:30-6:30 - Cook dinner
6:30 - 7:00 - Dinner
7:00 - 7:30 - Clean kitchen
7:30 - 8:00 - Help Grandfather with his mail and meds
8:00-11:00 - "Family Time"/watch TV (yes, we all had to watch TV together.)
11:00 - Bed

The reason why I didn't work at home was because my stepfather, Ex #2, did not allow reading in the house.  Reading was selfish and self-centered and useless, and just reminded him of his ex wife and was rubbing in his illiteracy.  So I did what I could at school and left my books there, for fear he would hit me for reading in front of him.  He did that to his other kids.  Even when I was in my room he'd shout down the heavens until Mom had me put my books away and come out.

So to keep him calm and placid we all sat in the living room for three hours a night and watched TV together.  No books, no knitting, no talking.  Just silently watching TV.

So if you figure five nights of work a week times two hours of studying that's 10 hours I didn't have to work with. Even if I had known what I was doing I still would have been behind.  But if I had known perhaps I wouldn't have been as behind.

So through the magic that is the internet maybe I'll get to actually learn how to study now.  Maybe I can figure out this take notes thing and read more.  Maybe I can prove to myself that I actually can do it.

And maybe in a few years I'll prove to myself that I can do college too.

Walkies

So there is a chance the apocalypse might not come off after all.

A welcome change in the weather has given us a hint of autumn and the possibility of clearer skies across the Medford area for the foreseeable future.

“Until Wednesday, everyone can breathe a breath of fresh air,” said Shad Keene, meteorologist with the National Weather Service in Medford.

Past Wednesday, Keene said it looks like the area should get more variable weather conditions that could help usher in some rainfall in September.

As soon as Monday morning, there is a chance of light rainfall in the region, he said.

Considering the variable weather, Keene said it’s unlikely we’ll see much in the way of unhealthy air in the days ahead, though we’ll likely still get some smoke from the 87,701-acre Klondike fire to the west of Grants Pass and the 1,971-acre Ramsey Canyon fire north of Sams Valley.

Which meant I was actually able to go for a short walk this morning.  Much to the shock of my knees and lungs.  Being stuck more or less indoors for 45 days will do that to you.  Time to start with the whole working out thing again.

And after going walkies I made

• Southwestern pulled chicken
• Vegetarian Tortilla Soup
• "Turkey" tamale bake 
• Roasted onions and peppers

I substitute Boca burgers for the turkey in the tamale bake,  add a can of black beans to the soup, shred the chicken meat and throw it back in after thickening the sauce with a bit of cornstarch slurry.  I serve it over rice with the onions and peppers

I also finished the clothing laundry for the week.  Three loads folded, hung, and put away.

And now I am tired.

To internet or not to internet. That is the question.

For some reason I feel the deep down desire to just leave the internet be for a while.  Of course I can't, my entire social life is on the internet.  I publish on the internet.  I sometimes game on the internet, which does not seem to have a purpose at the moment.  I research everything from historical facts to my grocery bill on the internet.  I chat with my spouse on the internet.  Check the weather and air quality, make sure we still have a country, the list goes on.  Basically I'm online from waking to sleeping.
Wasn't life happier before the internet?  Wasn't I happier, more productive, more engaged with my community?  More active, better fed, healthier?  Didn't I get more done?

Actually, no.

I felt lonely all the time.  Bored.  Perusing my interests was difficult, resources were hard to find.  I was disorganized and scattered, unable to focus.  And did I mention lonely?  Very, very lonely?  I hear talks about people who left the internet for a time, how they regained their focus and learned how to _____ and became part of their community again.  That would be hard for me, I don't drive and here's noting within walking distance.  Taking a bus is a three hour ordeal.  It's not worth it.  And if I want to learn how to ___ odds are I can learn faster and easier from the internet then from any resource in town, especially for those of us who's interests are the slightest bit esoteric. 

They may have a point on the focus bit.  But a lot of what I want to focus on is actually available on line.

So maybe the internet isn't so bad.  Sure, I waste too much time randomly surfing, but outside of that, maybe it's okay.  Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree, like I was with diet.  But I still feel like I could do better.

I'll have to work on that.

To hell with bro science

So how many vegetables should we eat?

According to the USDA, which is as good a place to start as any and probably reasonably accurate, a woman between the ages of 19 and 50 should have 2.5 cups per day, measured by volume, not weight.

https://www.choosemyplate.gov/vegetables

And also 2 cups of fruit.

https://www.choosemyplate.gov/fruit

No, really.  By volume, not weight.    Which means in theory you can estimate by using your fist, two fists a day of fruit, two and a hald of vegetables.  Or two and a half handfuls. 

https://lifehacker.com/5880630/use-your-hand-to-estimate-your-portions

It's not as much as you think.  it's not nearly as much as the bro science tells you.

To make it easy think in grams.  It's about 400 grams of vegetables, according to a new-ish study in The Lancet.

http://time.com/4920832/fruit-vegetables-legumes-servings/

But bro science, the "unconventional" conventional wisdom of the internet will tell you that there is no such thing as too many vegetables.  At all.  Ever.

For example, Buzzfeed.

In this video you have people trying to eat to the USDA guidelines.  Apparently this is a challenge.

 

But in this video a "nutritionist" "gets real" with people on their horrid diets.

 

 

For the record, a "nutritionist" is not an actual medical title.  What you're looking for is a dietician.  Also, that small bag of spinach she's pushing a day is about 300 grams.  Or so says the bag in my fridge.  Add in some other veg, some fruit, and you're easily near to doubling the amount of veg the USDA recommends.

But does that really matter?  Actually it does.

https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/too-much-fiber

Yes, you can have too much fiber.  I know everyone says American's eat far too little, and I'm not denying that because I don't know everyone and have not seen the research, but it is possible to eat too much.  And fruits and veg are high in fiber.

And some of us are stupid sensitive to fiber.  Especially raw vegetable fiber.

Which is my long winded way of saying that I ate those two and a half cups of veg on Wednesday and paid for it all day Thursday.  My insides were so inflamed and painful I actually considered pain meds and this morning when the, ahem, problem resolved it had me in tears.

I need to craft a diet that is healthy for me.  Which means more evil, refined carbs and small amounts of cooked vegetables.  Because spending all day in the bathroom in pain, or being afraid to go out because you're afraid to be that far from your throne, is not okay.

And I need to not watch any more bro science.

When you just can't shake it

From an old article in Science Daily, on why negative memories are so hard to shake.

The researchers used mice as the model system because their learning processes are very similar to those in humans, and established behavioural tests already exist. In their experiments, the researchers conditioned the mice to associate a sugar solution with nausea. This association persists for many months. The mice avoid the sugar solution during this period.

However, their aversion can be overcome slowly through intensive training. Mansuy explains that “Emotional memories are not simply erased. Oppressive negative memories need to be actively replaced by positive memories.” 

Which relates to Christmas.  Yes, in August.

Way back when I was a middle-youth sprogling Nanny married Husband #2.  Before then Christmas was a Big Deal.  We always went all out:  A big tree with a carefully collected ornament collection that went back generations, a big family dinner with all the trimmings passed politely around, dozens of cookies, piles of gifts, family games, Baby Boomer holiday music, movies, family stories told around, the works.

And then Husband #2 came along and it all stopped.  No, It.  All.  Stopped.  At first he wanted to do away with Christmas entirely.  Christmas was for going to church, he said, kids get one gift on the Epiphany, that's it.  But then he condescended to taking us to his family for the holiday, if we did it his way.

Of course it started well before.  No more big tree, no more ornament collection.  A small, "designer" tree.  One color, two at most, glass balls and a garland and clear lights.  That's it.  No holiday music, he didn't like it.  No movies, he didn't like them.  One kind of cookie, the kind he liked with his alcohol.  And dinner at his father's house.

Picture a basement.  Low ceiling, dimly lit, smelling of fried fish.  Rickety benches around sheets of plywood over sawhorses for a table.  Courses are placed on big trays in the middle of the table, and people fight over the food.  Winner take all style.  The only decoration is a piece of tinsel someone stapled to the wall.  After it everyone either takes a nap or ignores you.  No gifts.  Not even a place to sit indoors.  Overlooked, ignored, no one cares.

After that holidays became a series of basement.  Except for the ones Husband #2 "hosted", meaning I got to cook for 36 people.  Everything else applied.

After Nanny divorced husband #2 we had one holiday at her family's house.  I was still ignored, but the food was better.  And then Kitty Cat came along and we spent a few years with her family, which was a study in anxiety and altitude sickness.  And then we moved up here and Kitty Cat started working every holiday.  After all, the overtime is great, and we don't have kids and Christmas is soooo commercial and....

Losing Christmas still bugs me.  About once a week or so.  Today was the day this week.

Damn it, this year I am putting my foot down.  It's not just the tree, or the gifts, or the dinner, it's the whole experience.  This year we are starting with Thanksgiving and doing the whole bit, from turkey to the Twelve days of Christmas.  Okay, twelve movie nights.  Whatever.  We're doing it.  And I will do it every year until my molecules rearrange.

I leave these meanderings with a virtual tour of the biggest Christmas store in the US.  If I had any reason to go to Michigan I would visit.  I rather thing someone who spells it CHRISTmas might be shocked at my happy, rainbow ass walking into his place but I'd go anyway and I'd bet he'd take my money. 

43 days of the apocalypse and counting.  Which might be contributing to this as well.  Fuck, I cannot wait for cool, crisp fall days and the promise of snow.