Identity

So I've been thinking about clothes a lot lately.  Specifically what am I going to wear after I lose weight?*

It's gotten to the point where Kitty asked me if that's really what all this is about.  Isn't about health, say, or mobility or longevity?  Is this really about something that shallow?  I wanted to say no, of course not, but at the same time I had to say yes because it really, really felt that important.

And then I put my hands in dishwater.  I do some of my best thinking with my hands in dishwater.

As I was washing the dishes I realized it's not about clothes.  It's about gender and sexuality and identity.  Clothing is just a shorthand for how we communicate those concepts with others.  Fussing over clothing is my subconsciousness way of fussing over those concepts. 

Now there are lots of aspects that go into making up your sexual identity.  There's your biological sex, your identity, your expression, your level of sexual desire, your choice of romantic partners.  And there are infinite settings for all of them.  Yes, even for biological sex.
  
And being fat, or "fat" my whole life has screwed all that up royally.

I'm specifically looking at three of these for the purposes of this discussion, identity, expression, and level of desire.  Biology and romance are separate, at least for me.  But you do you, okay?

So, take a look at an three-way axis.

To illustrate it in the real world hold your arms straight out to the side, like a cross or a T.   The X line runs from one hand to the other, the Y line from your head to your toes, and the Z line through your naval, extending out in front and behind you.

For today's discussion, when it comes to identity there is also a three-way axis.

This axis represents the different continuum of gender and sexual identity.

Male <-> Female:  How you define your gender.  Where you fall on the Cis/Trans spectrum.  For most people it aligns with your chromosomal gender, but not always.

Butch <-> Femme:  Also known as masculine or feminine.  This is how you present yourself through the world through actions, demeanor, dress and so on, and how those are seen by your community.

Asexual <-> Hypersexual:  Also known as your level of desire.  Or how important is it for you to be sexually intimate with others.

Just to be clear, every point on this axis is okay.  Everyone is different and everyone has to figure this out for themselves.  And it's all good.  

And once you're through this you also get to figure out who you're sexually attracted to and who you're romantically attracted to.  Which is also part of this but doesn't fit the axis model.  I'll tell you why in a minute.

So the other night I had my hands in dishwater and I finally realized what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  This is where my identity has always landed on this three-way axis.

Translation:  It didn't. 

Back in the 80's:

Male <-> Female:  Fat renders you essentially neuter. 

Butch <-> Femme:  You get black pants and a black shirt to wear.  This isn't about presentation, its about covering your fat body.

Asexual <-> Hypersexual:  Doesn't matter.  You're fat

As far as sexual partners go, you're fat.  No one is going to fuck you.

Romantic desire you get to figure out since it's all in your head.  You can love at a distance.  (Younger men BTW).

So up until now my gender identity, my gender expression, even my levels of desire have all been one thing.  Fat.

Losing fat = losing identity.

Now I'm okay with this.  I have a loving, understanding spouse who will gladly support me while I figure this out and an awesome community who are entirely woke and exceedingly tolerant.  I'll sort this out eventually.

But I have to wonder if some of the failed diets out there are because the loss of identity was too hard for some to take.  Or if it's because the people around them were too afraid of their friend losing their identity as "the fat one" and were unsupportive or outright hostile.  Something to think about.

For right now I believe myself to be panromantic but homo-leaning bisexual, meaning I love regardless of whats in the pants but I'm just not that in to playing with boy bits.  All of the rest is a work in progress.

When I figure it out I'll put clothes on it.

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* Whatever it is it will likely involve these tank tops.  They're light, comfortable, fit well and in black they make a great base layer.  You can also wipe off spilled coffee with a damp paper towel and it won't stain.  I need something that won't take a coffee stain when I go out in public.

Amen Brother

Cannon Jesus is better than Fandom Jesus

Jesus Christ was a brown Jew in the Middle East, conceived out of wedlock in an arguably interracial if not interspecies (deity and human) relationship, raised by his mother and stepfather in place of his absent father.  He may not have had a Y chromosome.  He spent his early youth as a refugee in Egypt, where his family no doubt survived initially on handouts from the wealthy (You think they kept that gold, frankincense, and myrrh from the wise men?  Hell no, they sold that stuff for food and lodging).  He later returned with his parents to their occupied homeland and lived in poverty.

The religion of Jesus’s people has no concept of a permanent hell and instructed its priests on how to induce miscarriages.  Jesus explicitly rejected the concept of disability as a divine punishment.  He spoke out against religious hypocrites.  He had enough respect for women to let his mother choose the time of his first miracle.  He blessed a same sex couple.  He told a rich man that he must give up his wealth to get to heaven, and also told a parable about a rich man suffering in agony in presumably Gehinnom (basically Purgatory) just to hammer the point home.  He told people to pay their taxes.  He declared “love your neighbor” to be one of the two commandments on which all laws hang.  He commanded his followers to help the poor.  He commanded them to help the sick and the needy.  He spent time with social outcasts.  He healed the servant of a high priest during his arrest rather than fighting back.  He was put to death by the occupying government because he was a political radical.

Trump and his administration are xenophobic, misogynistic, racist, fear-mongering, warmongering, tax-dodging, anti-Semitic, anti-choice, anti-welfare, anti-equal pay, anti-LGBTQIA+, anti-immigration, support tax cuts for the rich, support Citizen’s United, want to keep refugees out of this country, want to limit our ability to speak against the government, plan to abolish the Affordable Care Act, and they wrap all of that up behind a banner of “Christian family values.”  If you support them, you have no right to call yourself a follower of Christ.

- lauralot89

He also said that slaves should obey their masters, so not perfect. But a hell of a lot better than the Fandom Jesus.

And the Fandom includes not only Trump supporters but most "Christians" today, who might want to take a hard look at their souls.

June/July 2017

And while we're at it...

Because we're already halfway through June.

• Books:  Tales of The City by Armistead Maupin.  In this political climate I simply could not wrap my head around a series of stories about traitors who made war on the United States and lost.  I still want to read those books, but maybe in a few years.
• Embroidery: Stitchers Studio Stocking, it's a big project, and it is ongoing.
• Quilting & Sewing: Tabled because that room is still a mess. But we got the garage done, to make room for the things that need to be moved out, so it's not completely hopeless.
• Crochet: I am not at the moment.  My Carpal Tunnel is acting up, so I'm taking a bit of time away from the hooks.
• Knitting: A Rainbow Wingspan, still.  Sweet Merciful Mother I will finish this beast this month.  I'm also starting my annual hat donation to the Maslow Project.
• TV: I still need to catch up on CM.  It's become such a huge thing.  But right now I'm jonsing on The American Experience. 
• Writing: Finish Least Expected.  Before I publish the one I'm working on.
• Personal stuff:1800 kcal/day.  See my previous post.  Also, post more often.
• The House:  Clean up he Room of Many Hobbies.  We will get this done.

And sometimes it just sucks.

Yes, I'm fat.

This is where I blame my Mother (Legit. She has an eating disorder.  She also has a Cluster B Personality Disorder which meant that I had to share her eating disorder to validate her.  Starting in grade school.  This will fuck you up).

This is where I blame some sickness (Legit.  Being a modern adult size 8, wearing a C cup and growing pubic hair is not normal for a second grader.  Something has been wrong with me from the get go)

This is where I blame injury.  (IT Band Syndrome and Osteoarthritis in the knee and I broke my back once.  Likely in a car accident in childhood.  No, I was not treated at the time.   Cluster B Mom wasn't injured so neither was I even though she had a seat belt on while I went bouncing around the interior of the car.)

But the truth is that even if you take all of that into account I still need to lose, at minimum, 50 lbs.  Probably more, but I also carry a lot of water due to some combination of those three things, so I don't know precisely how much more.  At least another 50 though, on top of the 70 I've already lost.

So despite the messed up head from the aforementioned eating disorder I am once again dieting.

I have no clue if this will work, re:  the aforementioned sickness.  But I have to say I gave it an honest try.  So here I am at the end of the first week of giving it that honest try.

Yep, first week sucked.  Being hungry sucks and is scary.  Having your blood glucose rapidly drop to normal levels makes you feel dizzy and sick (but it's good for you after).  Eating the same exceedingly healthy things day after day can get real boring.

But I'm doing it, damn it.  You can't discipline others if you can't discipline yourself.  I am disciplining my hardest area and I am making it work.

Of course without exercise, since I'm still rehabbing the aforementioned injuries, I've had to cut my calories even further.  1800 is a scary number, but I'm doing it.  At this point I might even be getting used to it, which is kind of disturbing.

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I have a plan.

 

My goal is to keep at 1800 calories 6 days a week, and 2000 on the seventh.  Also 2000 on any day I have PT in the pool since that drops your blood glucose like no one's business.  I plan to keep this up until August 29th  At that point I plan to get on the scale and stop dieting for one week since my in-laws are coming in to town.

When I get on the scale one of two things will happen:

1). I will have lost aprox 25-30 lbs, based on what I eat and burn.  In that case I'm going to take some time off and start ye olde diet back up on September 10th and continue until November 22.  At that point I will go to my moderate plan until January 2nd, 2018.  My moderate plan consists of sticking with my 1800 calorie menu from Sunday noon through Friday at 4 pm.  From Friday at 4pm through Sunday noon I can eat what I want and not count.

During that month I will go see my doctor and get whatever body fat analysis he considers his Gold Standard.   Based on that I'll determine how to move forward

2). I will have loss substantially less than 25-30 lbs.  In which case my plan will remain the same, except I will contact my Dr on September 10th so we can figure out WTF is going on.

One way or the other, this will be the year that I finally get the excess off.  I expect I'll still be a "big girl" after, but I'll be at 20% body fat, so big is just the way I will be.

When I get under 200 lbs I plan, with my Orthopod's blessing, to go back to the gym and start getting some muscle going again.  I'd like to be able to do a muscle up, really, and do a dance workout again and do real, on the floor push-ups.  And I'd like to be able to see some ab definition.

So there.  Goals and a plan.  Now let me try a plan for the month again.