So I've been thinking about clothes a lot lately. Specifically what am I going to wear after I lose weight?*
It's gotten to the point where Kitty asked me if that's really what all this is about. Isn't about health, say, or mobility or longevity? Is this really about something that shallow? I wanted to say no, of course not, but at the same time I had to say yes because it really, really felt that important.
And then I put my hands in dishwater. I do some of my best thinking with my hands in dishwater.
As I was washing the dishes I realized it's not about clothes. It's about gender and sexuality and identity. Clothing is just a shorthand for how we communicate those concepts with others. Fussing over clothing is my subconsciousness way of fussing over those concepts.
Now there are lots of aspects that go into making up your sexual identity. There's your biological sex, your identity, your expression, your level of sexual desire, your choice of romantic partners. And there are infinite settings for all of them. Yes, even for biological sex.
And being fat, or "fat" my whole life has screwed all that up royally.
I'm specifically looking at three of these for the purposes of this discussion, identity, expression, and level of desire. Biology and romance are separate, at least for me. But you do you, okay?
So, take a look at an three-way axis.
To illustrate it in the real world hold your arms straight out to the side, like a cross or a T. The X line runs from one hand to the other, the Y line from your head to your toes, and the Z line through your naval, extending out in front and behind you.
For today's discussion, when it comes to identity there is also a three-way axis.
This axis represents the different continuum of gender and sexual identity.
Male <-> Female: How you define your gender. Where you fall on the Cis/Trans spectrum. For most people it aligns with your chromosomal gender, but not always.
Butch <-> Femme: Also known as masculine or feminine. This is how you present yourself through the world through actions, demeanor, dress and so on, and how those are seen by your community.
Asexual <-> Hypersexual: Also known as your level of desire. Or how important is it for you to be sexually intimate with others.
Just to be clear, every point on this axis is okay. Everyone is different and everyone has to figure this out for themselves. And it's all good.
And once you're through this you also get to figure out who you're sexually attracted to and who you're romantically attracted to. Which is also part of this but doesn't fit the axis model. I'll tell you why in a minute.
So the other night I had my hands in dishwater and I finally realized what my subconscious was trying to tell me. This is where my identity has always landed on this three-way axis.
Translation: It didn't.
Back in the 80's:
Male <-> Female: Fat renders you essentially neuter.As far as sexual partners go, you're fat. No one is going to fuck you.
Butch <-> Femme: You get black pants and a black shirt to wear. This isn't about presentation, its about covering your fat body.
Asexual <-> Hypersexual: Doesn't matter. You're fat
Romantic desire you get to figure out since it's all in your head. You can love at a distance. (Younger men BTW).
So up until now my gender identity, my gender expression, even my levels of desire have all been one thing. Fat.
Losing fat = losing identity.
Now I'm okay with this. I have a loving, understanding spouse who will gladly support me while I figure this out and an awesome community who are entirely woke and exceedingly tolerant. I'll sort this out eventually.
But I have to wonder if some of the failed diets out there are because the loss of identity was too hard for some to take. Or if it's because the people around them were too afraid of their friend losing their identity as "the fat one" and were unsupportive or outright hostile. Something to think about.
For right now I believe myself to be panromantic but homo-leaning bisexual, meaning I love regardless of whats in the pants but I'm just not that in to playing with boy bits. All of the rest is a work in progress.
When I figure it out I'll put clothes on it.
* Whatever it is it will likely involve these tank tops. They're light, comfortable, fit well and in black they make a great base layer. You can also wipe off spilled coffee with a damp paper towel and it won't stain. I need something that won't take a coffee stain when I go out in public.